This day, which I named the start of summer, better not be a benchmark.

I know nobody reads this, but yesterday was such a shitstorm of a day that I feel it necessary to tell myself how it went, just in case, in years to come, I have a bad day. Then I can compare it to this one.

So, I had stayed up all night, waiting for Glee and talking to Chloe, which was fine, but I was tired. I hadn't slept by the time I had finished watching Glee (which was AWESOME) I had not slept for about 30 hours. I go downstairs to get some food.
'Your French tutor is today, Ryan.' Says my Mum, malice in her eyes, knowing the anger this would cause me.
'Oh.' I replied in articulate detail, before going back upstairs with the galaxy bar I had salvaged from the cupboard, and crying tears of shame.

Anyway, not much else happened between that point and the point where I got to my French tutor's. She's a bit nutty, but I dealt with it, although I yawned a lot so I felt quite rude but I don't think she noticed. It was all good. Anyway, I had decided to take my Game Card with me, which had £150 on it. There were no games I wanted to buy, I just wanted to buy games because I fucking could. I felt this was a noble cause, however I remembered, much to my chagrin, that there was not a Game Shop in Orpington High Street.
'Ah,' I said, leaving the French tutor's office, 'I can go to the Nugent Centre. But first, food.'
So off I trotted to subway, ordering my footlong sub as I always do and making various hilarious remarks in my head about the connotations of a six incher vs a footlong.

Who's that over there? I wondered to myself, thinking I recognised two people. 'Ah, it's Jack and Ben!' I said out loud in an excited manner, confusing everyone in the shop to a degree that I'm sure would have been funny were I not shocked. Jack and Ben, who both had girlfriends, were being studly with some other girls.

Being the Hero Of Society that I am, I wandered over there and told them to stay away from that gash. In a jokey manner, of course. It was not Jack and Ben. It was two teenagers. In orpington. In a little bit of grass. Who I had told to stay away from gash. Fear took hold of me, gripping me and wrestling me to the floor. I shook the fear off and promptly ran, the youths chasing me for a fair distance, and I'm sure one of them was a fucking Dragon at this point. I managed to evade them, and make it quite a bit of the way to the Nugent centre. So far, so good.

As I was walking, old people appeared behind me, somehow, out of nowhere. An old man pimping two old ladies. I didn't hear all of their conversation, but I heard the man say 'When I first saw you Maud I got...' I like to imagine this ended with 'A boner so big I needed to use a walking stick even then,' and then he laughed, while the two Ladies ran away from his sexually perverted nature while whincing horribly.

My walk continued fine, even though I had forgotten to put deodorant on and it was fucking hot and no one had called me on the smell that now must be eluding from every pore on my body. It was brilliant. However, more bad things were about to occur. Two fairly attractive emo girls on the other side of the road decided to call out for me. This sounds like a good thing right? Right? WRONG. They had the voice of neither male nor female, human nor beast. It sounded like a swamp ghost was defecating out ideas to rape people and I was its bowl. I walked a bit faster in order to escape, and eventually, I lost them. I had to cross the road though to get to the Nugent centre, and I was worried this intrepid activity would cause them to catch up.

So, without any worry for my own life, I sprinted across the road, only avoiding cars because of the well timed Red Light. Which makes this sound much more impressive but honest to someone I didn't know. Anyway I was at the Nugent Centre now, and there was Game, in all its Holy Glory. As I got inside, I decided I wanted to get the game known as 'Tales of Vesperia,' because it sounds awesome. I looked around, and not seeing it, I decided to buy 'Resonance of Fate,' as well, because, quite simply, that sounds badass. And more the point, because I could.

I went up to the desk, certain I would be IDed and then have to cry, as 'Resonance of Fate' was a 16. I did not get IDed, but on asking for 'Tales of Vesperia,' and them not having it in their backroom, I was close to it.
'Just this then,' I sighed wearily.
'Special offer!' Said the overly cheerful employee, 'we're selling these Xbox chargers on the cheap!'
'Fine then.' I said, not paying attention to what I was doing, and only realising after I actually said fine to one of each fucking colour.
'Also, do you have a wii?!' He asked, ejaculating with excitement, or, I would hope, someone under the desk tossing him off. Nobody should get that excited.
'I do.' I grunted back.
'Wanna buy some wii chargers?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!111/1/?!?!?!!?!?!?!eleven!!?!!' He then asked.
'No. I do not. I am fine.' I said sternly.
'You sure!?!??!?!?!?!!??!!!!!!?!?oneoneonelevendash!?!?!?!' He asked again.
This went on for several minutes, and after several other questions which I am sure culminated in a full on bondage session, I left the shop with 'Resonance of Fate,' and two Xbox controller chargers, one of each colour. JUST IN CASE, you know.

But I didn't have 'Tales of Vesperia,' which I had now decided was necessary for me to have a happy life until SUPER MARIO GALAXY TWO GETS RELEASED EEEE! and I was determined to buy the fucking shit out of that game.
'How though, how can you do it?' I asked myself in a leading question, knowing full well I knew the answer and just needing a deliberate set up. Original.
'I shall go, to Bromley!' I announced majestically, to nobody but myself.
'Alright then! Lets go!' I replied in my dutiful assistant voice. Remember I have not slept for about 32 hours.

So I trotted back, deciding that I would stop off at home as well, so I could put down the stuff I already had and change into jeans that didn't require me to keep my hands in my pockets at all times in order to hold them up.

(Please wait, as I defecate)

Right, so I'm back.

Anyway, on the way back, I noticed something I didn't notice before. A park in Orpington, the name of which I am not confident on, is directly opposite a building that says 'DANGER OF DEATH DO NOT ENTER' and looks like the sort of place where they'd put real rapists in with statutory rapists to see what the real rapists would do the statutory rapists. IE: monsters vs people the government pretend are monsters in order to boost fear statistics and what happens is the statutory rapists just die out of sheer force of will in order to escape the ceaseless buttrape that would be the rest of their lives.

Lovely stuff, I know, but hey ho. There was then a big gap where nothing of interest happened, until I saw Laura Johnson, a friend of mine. I did not want to make an identification error as I had previously done. So I acted like I didn't recognise her. But she recognised me. Ah! It was for sure Laura! So I smiled, but after my confused look, I imagine it to have come across as a grimace. She looked shocked. I panicked. It wasn't Laura! I went back to confused. Then decided just to smile. I call this quick contortion of facial expressions my 'Um...yeah?! :)' expression. It is harder to pronounce in person due to the emoticon. This all occured in the bit of the high street near Tesco. I imagine in my head I said 'Love to stop and chat Laura *smug grin* but I got places to be.' I did not say this. People would give me dirty looks.

Shortly after this I saw Justin Bieber sat at a bus stop, and I cried tears of self loathing as I had no working firearms on me. I tried to pretend this experience had never happened and I continued onwards. For a while I was stuck behind a small asian lady, and I felt powerful and mighty, and I was still sleep deprived, so I imagine my brain was not fully functioning when I mightily roared in her face. She ran away, and I panicked at what kind of a monster I had become.

I began swinging the Game bag around, fully knowing that this had not been done since homosexual's in the early 1900s and I began to severely doubt my sexuality. Fortunately, I remembered seeing Justin Bieber, and my bag swinging confidence grew and I did it all the way home.

'FUCK' I cried out in an overly dramatic fashion compared to the situation, 'THE DOOR, IT IS LOCKED!'
The door was locked. The door to my house. I opened the gate to the back garden, and I saw beautiful hope. An open window, although it was on the second storey. Thankfully however, although my family are pigshit levels of annoying about the lockedness of the front door when they go out, they leave windows open and they leave fucking ladders for easy fucking access in the garden. I would suggest that this is fucking retarded. Anyway, I got the ladder, put it up to a window and climbed in. I went downstairs, unlocked the back door, went and got my Game stuff, deposited it in my room, got changed into better jeans, shat, and had a drink. Good stuff. It was now half four, and my brain was telling me that Bromley closed at six.

I rushed out the backdoor, making sure to leave it unlocked for later entry, and began my trek to Bromley.

I got to Farnborough park without any difficulty, where I saw two hot girls walking in the opposite direction and immediately began to put on a cool face. This was entirely accidental, conciously I am aware that my cool face looks like a kid that just found lego. After being struck in the face with a mallet.

They were twenty and out of my league, so in the grand scheme of things it made little difference but I like to pretend my life has some worth. I got to the end of Farnborough where I saw an old man with a monk haircut doing roadworks by himself. He looked cool so I gave him a casual nod. He winked back. I winked also. After thirty minutes of heavy anal, I continued onwards on my trek.

This is the longest portion of my journey of which there was no incident except seeing one of the most goddamn ugly people in the entire world. Goddamn. She was horrifically sized and faced and voiced and her personality was that of a common, COMMONER. I was horrified but I marched onwards, sullying all my willpower to not vomit all over everyone nearby.

I made it to Bromley! I was on the final stretch! Game was so close! I only had about 20 minutes left though. I knew this was plenty enough time, but because I fucking could I hurried the shit there anyway. I entered Game with no difficulty. I walked up to the front desk thing.
'Do you have Tales of Vesperia on the Xbox?' I said, breathless, glimmers of an almost paedophillic lust in my eyes.
'No, we do not. Someone bought the last copy last week.'
I broke down.
I fell to the floor, tears of hate flowing down me. I managed to gather myself together enough to skulk out the shop, but my feet were in pain. I decided I would mosey down to shortlands and sleep until I was ready to return home.

On the way to Shortlands I got stuck behind a gang of chavs, who were discussing the merits of getting stuck in a water slide. I fucking hoped they all did and then the fucking thing would blow up. The world would be a much better place.

When I got to Shortlands, Jack and Hayley were there, so sleeping didn't get done, but I had a nice conversation with them which put a tiny little speck of niceness on my crapfest of a day.

I got home eventually, tired, miserable, hurt, and alone, and learnt one thing from my day.

My life is better when I stay at home. So, my jeans hit the floor, my hand gripped my dick and I furiously masturbated until I fell asleep in a pool of semen and my own blood.