Inarticulate Dictionaries

You may notice shortly after reading the title of this blog, that it makes no sense. This is because I decided to read other blogs; and I got the impression I was missing the point! Most of them are random, irrelevant titles with stories about their day or their views on life. They're all much more serious.

I however, am writing stories about awful superheroes and giving you actually something you might want to read. Not to sound rude/arrogant, but 'I had an english exam today and it was hard,' is hardly something I particularly will ever care about ever in my life ever unless you ever make it interesting which you won't, ever.

Saying all that, I have made the decision that this blog will be a bit more serious. I was trolling through the depths of the internet and I came across a site named 'Dear Cupid.' This is where the most sexually retarded people go to tell the world that they are having issues. I decided then, that I would make it my duty to help some of these people. I will embolden the questions and keep my answers in this regular font in order to make it clear what's going on.

Lets dive right in, shall we?

Hi, im 19 years old, i tend to finger myself when im arroused, in the morning i felt the need to finger myself, and so i did and also in the shower,couple of hours later i wanted to finger myself but it hurts? why is this? what am i doing wrong? i make sure i cut my nails and my fingers are clean, so why does it hurt??

I'm not a girl, but to me the answer to this question is quite simple. You are clearly obese, and as a result have troll fingers. These fingers are so large that they can't avoid the fat flaps defending your vagina, and as such, after all this compulsive masturbation you have done, you end up getting a rash. It is possible however, that the pain you are feeling is inside the vagina, in which case you are being too psycho aggressive. Relax, take a breath, lose some weight, and then try again. With your skinnier fingers, harder poking and prodding will not be as dangerous. Thank you for your comment.

This kind of an eternal question!!!!! I am a 21 year old guy about to finish college!!! My only problem is I find it very difficult to start conversation with women. I have many female friends and have no problem in talkin to them!!!! But if i see a girl i like somewhere i find it very hard to start a conversation!! So please Agony Aunts help in getting over my fear!!! Tell me how to approach a women so that she will like or wat does a woman look for in a guy for the first time to take things further!!!!!!

Well, lamdunk662003, you came to the right Agony Aunt in trying to solve your issue here!! It is quite clear to me that you have many issues which all culminate in this one woman related issue!!!! Firstly, you can't speak English very well, so you should probably learn how to form sentences!!!!!!!!! Secondly, you seem too enthusiastic, and I don't think women like it when you shout in their face!!!!! Thirdly, what the fuck. How movie cliché do you want to be? Perhaps if you lost the college jacket and gained some unscripted personality you wouldn't become a blubbering wreck around girls you 'like.' How do you even know you like them if you can't talk to them? They might be harpies. SQUEE might be the only word they're able to pronounce. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi! I am saggitarius girl. My boyfriend is aries. He is too strange. Sometimes he is warm and deep, and he says he loves me, sometimes he doesn't text me and says he is busy.He plays some mental games with me. I don't know whether he cheats me. Is there anyone who knows saggitarius-aries couple? IS HIS BEHAVIOUR NORMAL? SHOULD I TREAT it normal, without being upset? Maybe it is typical aries men? Or should i break up with him?

Well anonymous, to me it seems like you're the person in the wrong in this relationship. I would absolutely love to go out with someone who was willing to play some mental and crazy games with me! What sort of games do you play? Perhaps if you specified, the root of the problem would become more apparent. If it is scrabble or monopoly or boggle, I doubt he is cheating on them, it would be quite easy to tell! You also point out that he has mood swings. You yourself randomly burst into capts lock in one sentence and only managed to continue it halfway into the next sentence. Perhaps you're the one with mood swings, and he reacts accordingly? Otherwise, it is very possible he is in fact busy. Finally, believing in astrology makes you a dickwallop shitstorm of failed genetic filth pooling up in a pit of despair, and I hope you learn that the world isn't divided into 12 groups of people. I'm glad I could help, you nutter fuck.

I don't want to get into detail but my ex left me because my penis was apparently too small for her, and I guess she told her friends because now it's gotten out I have a small penis...a lot of girls ridicule me for it and after a while it's really hurtful. My penis is about 4 inches long and 4 inches girth when erect...so yeah, it's small...and thin in case you were wondering (Note, No I was not wondering.) Not to mention it curves upwards a bit also. So not only is it small but it looks weird also.

This question ironically goes on into much more detail, so I shall paraphrase it: 'Is it okay to have a small penis, do girls like small penises, maybe if I swung it about fancily girls would like it, is that true, when girls say size doesn't matter are they bullshitting whores?'
Firstly, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA! Oh outstanding. Well, the last sentence of your question is 'Be honest, don't say stuff to make me feel better...' so I guess I'm going to be honest. The curving upwards is perfectly natural, so don't worry about that unless it's 90 degrees, which knowing your luck...it probably is. Now to answer the rest of your questions: A) No it is not okay to have a small penis, below five is very much laughable and far smaller than the depth of the vagina. B) Girls do not like small penises, this is common knowledge, your poor underendowed moron. C) Yes, to a certain extent, pretending your penis is a party trick does impress girls, and being good at sex helps also but 4 inches? THE FUCK MAN. D) Yes, they are lying to make you feel better and are quickly trying to think of a reason as to why you should strap on a dildo. (I take it you will have heard such stellar lines as 'it's different,' or probably more to the point, 'I need to fucking leave.')
While I do feel sorry for you, I also find your plight wonderfully hilarious. Glad I could help.

Is it wrong trying to court someone else's wife?

Yes.

im 14 im a guy ok my step cousin is 12 almost 13 a girl i feel weird when we are alone but i dont know what to do. 2 years ago we almost had sex because we were alone in my room. we were humping eachother but had clothes on. we also kissed 4 a bit then we almost went a step further but being the oldest i ended it. now when i go 2 c her i have no idea what to say. but when we r with other people im fine. should i talk to her about it?

There are two major issues here. No, wait, three. Firstly, you feel the need to have sex with people 'because you are alone in your room?' Have you almost experienced maternal copulation? Have you ever almost fucked your dad because he came up to ask you how football went or something? You are filthy. Secondly, SHE WAS FUCKING TEN? How south american do you want to be! That's so weird, that's so fucking not right. You are a deranged and disgusting person, no matter how much you try to save it with 'but I ended it.' There should have been nothing to end you freak. What the shit! You shouldn't talk to her about it! You should leave and exile yourself to a place where nobody goes! Finally, how has it taken you two years to realise this was quite a silly thing to do? And by quite, I mean very. And by silly, I mean disturbing. You are beyond help. I do not know why you asked. Nobody can help you, you filthy shit.

Well, that was fucking tough. I tried to be serious, I tried to help these people. I really really did. But wow, is the world a fucked up place. I'm sticking to stories about imaginary characters and tales of any interesting days I may have. Sorry, I tried, I really did.

Farewell.