Another Day.

Yesterday was a very exciting day. Yesterdays are always exciting days. Your troubles always seem so far away. Every yesterday, you have no troubles, and every yesterday led to today. Get me?

Anyway, it was the day before Father's Day yesterday, as indeed, it is Father's Day today. That meant one thing and one thing alone, I had to get stuff for my dad. I woke up at my usual time of two pm. You might see it as late, but it was early enough to do what needed doing. I only do what needs doing. I quickly got dressed into a pair of black tracksuit bottoms and a blue dressing gown. Nobody was watching, so I swirled the dressing gown around like it was some sort of cape. I felt marvellous. I decided it was not appropriate attire to go shopping in, however, so I promptly changed into regular blue jeans and a dark blue T shirt. I scanned my room for any change I could find. I found little, but I hoped what I found would be enough. It was fifteen pounds. I opened the door to my bedroom and swiftly left, sliding the money in my pocket like I was some kind of expert money slider. I am not.

I rushed down the stairs as quickly as possible, not wanting to waste time. Wasting time is for chumps. I barely managed to say goodbye to my family before I opened the front door and departed from our abode like there was a bomb in it. As I got outside I looked around. The houses looked regular, the trees looked regular, the road, looked regular. But something was not right, there was a stillness in the air I could not fathom. I tried to smell the stillness before remembering movement could not be smelt. Especially when that movement was no movement. Still, I knew something bad was going to happen.

Most of my journey had little incident, apart from the occasional quickstep to avoid a youth on a bicycle, I arrived merely by walking. That was a sign of bad things to come. Before I knew it, I was in the Sainsbury's car park. I scanned the area. There were many cars, of different shapes and sizes, and I presume different makes. I don't know much about makes of cars. I couldn't tell just by looking. It was something most other people could do, but I never really picked it up. I had no time for such trivialities. I was on a tight schedule.

I walked carefully down the gravelly road to the slope that led to the entrance. I gripped the rail like my life depended on it and walked up, being sure to take note of all the people I saw coming out. They seemed like typical Orpington people. Most of them were bald. The doors, as expected, opened upon my arrival and I strolled in, taking in the fragrance of the nearby flower section. My Dad would not like flowers, I noted. I also noted the beauty of a single rose. Ah.

I left that place quickly, it felt like a Siren Song, and I did not want to fall into the trap. I wandered to the music section, hoping there would be a CD my Dad would enjoy. I stared at the pop section for mere seconds before I deduced that the inanities of ass faced pop would be suited for him. Are they in a competition to use the most autotune, I wondered. Probably. If that is the case, well done Kanye. You are by far in the lead. I left the music section, as I could not be bothered to work out which old bands my Dad might like.

Suddenly, a thought struck me. Food. Everybody loves food. I'll just get him a helluva lot of food. Nobody can say no to that. Not even a dame. Except a fat dame who's aware she's fat. Unless she's a fat dame who's aware she's fat but doesn't care. Those people make me sick. I went over to the food section and decided chocolate would be the way to go, as long as I avoided gay chocolates about love. That would be awkward. I got there and saw a box of Heroes. The last box of Heroes. Perfect. Heroes aren't gay. But, alas! I also noted a woman, her eyes hungry for Heroes. She had long blonde hair and a dangerous look that said 'Come get me.' I attempted to do so.
'Excuse me doll,' I began, but she had already grabbed the Heroes and ran off. Beauty was forever my nemesis. I had to catch her.

I darted round the aisles, trying to find her. It was a foolish man's pursuit. But where she had beauty, I had brains. I could cut her off at the checkout. I rushed there, avoiding the plethora of shoppers. I stood, waiting patiently for her to arrive. Suddenly, in the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse. I knew it was her. She was radiant. I ran over.
'Hey doll!' I cried, 'Give me the Heroes.'
'What the fuck, who the fuck are you? What the fuck?' Playing hard to get.
'I need them, for my Dad!'
'So? I don't know you? Why did you call me doll?' Ah, she was a questioner. I couldn't give myself away. I remained vague.
'You look like one.' Stellar. Well done Ryan.
'Fuck off, what does that even mean?' More question, stay vague...
'It means your beauty shines with a luminous glow.' Score.
'Oh. Well. You can't have the heroes.' She appeared weakened. I knew what to do to finish this off.
'Also, you have the most genuine look about you that I've ever seen.' As I said this, I punched her in the gut.
'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?' She cried, but it was too late for her. She had dropped the Heroes. I grabbed them out of the air, and I was about to purchase them when two security guards came running up behind me and grabbed me by each arm.
'You're going down punk,' one said.
My lip quivering, I closed my eyes and wished them away. It failed.

TO BE CONTINUED...