Intoxicated Fred

I've recently discovered I have a boring life. Not much goes on, except things break. For instance I recently kicked my mirror, and in Charlotte's words, it was a 'fucking pussy' and it broke on me! Twat. I hid the pieces under my bed. But that's not enough for a blog, that's not enough to entertain you, faithful readers.

But, it so happens, I have friends who lead lives that are worth living. For example...
Well I guess...
Um...
Well anyway, here's me telling you the story of my friend Intoxicated Fred (His name, not mine) which I have managed to collect together from various diary extracts and interviews with members of his family. God rest his soul. Well not God. Darwin. That's who atheists worship. Darwin rest his soul.

Intoxicated Fred led a regular life up until he was fifteen. He went to school, he had a family, he had problems with girls. Icky girls. Ew.

Anyway, like I said. This all changed when Fred was fifteen. Here's a quote from his diary: 'I could do shit nobody else could do. I was the man. I was...super.'
That is right. Fred had discovered he had superpowers. He had the ability to completely get wasted without the aid of alcohol. He discovered it: 'When I had run out of drugs so I just tried to get high by sheer force of will. I got drunk instead. Awesome.'

Fred went out onto the streets to try his luck at the superhero game. He 'saw a mugging so fucking brutal that...well it was a mugging. That's brutal enough. Leave me alone.'
He courageously stepped up to the mugger and called out 'Stop!' The mugger looked at Fred like he was some kinda jackass.
'Are you some kinda jackass?' He asked, to keep up narrative consistency.
'Ahahahaaahahaahahahaa, no! I am...I am...I am Intoxicated Fred.' Fred replied in a grand voice.
'The fuck?' The mugger threw down the woman he was beating and turned to Fred.
Fred got scared. But fear, fear does not come to those who are wasted. He focussed, and got himself fucking pissed.
'You go away...or I'll go away!' He said without much thought as to what he was saying or thinking.
'Are you...are you drunk? You weren't before? Why do you smell of alcohol?' The mugger was confused. Fred's first attempt at heroism was working.
It all went downhill from there, Fred went to punch the mugger but accidentally punched a wall because, as the diary explains: 'People always expect you to punch them. If you punch other things, they'll get confused. I punched the wall to confuse him.'
This caused Fred to have a pained hand, and he drew it back, bloody, and tripped, smacking his head into the wall and rendering himself unconcsious.

'The lights were bright. I thought I was dead. I wasn't dead.'
Fred was now in a hospital, he had just woken up from his short term coma, whatever that's called.
'We did a breathaliser test,' a doctor said to him, 'you got a fucking fifty. What the fuck did you have and how are you not dead?!'
'I didn't have anything. I'm just a hero.'
'What?'
'I'm...nevermind. I'm fine, can I go?'
'Yeah, sure, but someone left you a note.'
The doctor passed the note to Fred and left.
It read as follows: 'Fred, your destiny is near. I am not a paedophile. Come meet me at 55, The Road.'
'There's a road called 'The Road'?' Fred asked, using an irritating amount of speech marks.
He got up, and headed towards his destiny.

'Fred!' The door opened before Fred even managed to knock. 'Come in, come in. We have many things to talk about.'
Fred entered the house of the old bearded man, and began to doubt the note. He probably was a paedophile. The photos of naked children on the walls didn't help.
'You have a great power, Fred. You are the chosen one.'
'All I can do is get drunk.'
'Yes! Yes precisely! Show me how it works?' The man's eyes glinted lustfully.
'No.'
'Oh oh, of course. The time will come when the world will depend on you, young Fred. You must fight the storm. The darkness. The despair. The hopelessness. You must combat the void.'
'Okay. Can I go now?'
'No! You need this.'
The old man handed Fred a photo.
'That's me as a child. I was developed, as you can see. I still am, if you want to see.'
Fred's diary here trails off and there are some small satanic symbols at the bottom. I've travelled around the world to decipher it and the top minds in the world all think it means: 'He made me do it. I didn't do it. Father, forgive me.'
What. A. Homo.

Fred decided that his destiny could wait at the doorstep to the house of his life for a while, and decided he was going to go up to Sexy Hannah and ask her the shit out.
'Hey Hannah!' He said, running over to her.
'Hey Fred...' Hannah said, disappointed. Fred was not an attractive child. He had a black afro thing and often an unshaven beard. Eurgh.
Fred lost confidence at this, so he decided to boost it.
'Hey Hannah, you slutty bitch sex fiend, go out with me,' Fred said, attempting to sound commanding but coming off as a bit of a dick.
'Sure!' Hannah said. Girls are idiots. The diary here says 'I was totally in there. I just needed to keep getting in there. If you catch my drift. Hardcore fucking. Hardcore fucking.' I assume he said it twice to make it a double entendre, but I can't be sure.
Sadly, the next part of the diary tells a very trajik tale. Fred apparently turned up his levels of drunkenness more, and straight up emptied himself all over her. I wish I meant vomit. The diary explains it more than I want to: 'I thought it would be a good idea to punch her to the ground, then sit on her face and shit. It wasn't a good idea.'
Hannah apparently decided to cancel her acceptance of Fred's proposal, and that was that.

There's a lot of boring mess here, in which Fred gets up to other miscellaneous hijinks while drunk, and they're all very hilarious and catastrophic. But then, destiny got up off the doorstep and knocked on Fred's door.

'Hello Fred,' said the stranger, letting himself into Fred's house.
'Who are you?' Fred said.
'I am The Void. Like you, I was granted powers. And I shall end you. You shall not stop me.'
'What can you do?' Fred asked earnestly.
'I control darkness.' The Void replied.
'You turn off lights? I can do that?' Fred said, confused.
'No, as in. Just watch.'
The Void snapped his fingers and a black hole appeared.
'The fuck, hehehehehee.' Fred giggled. He had taken this oppurtunity to get fucking drunk.
'What? It's a tiny black hole. Why aren't you being killed?'
'It's my destiny to defeat you,' Fred said slowly, making sure not to slur any of his words. He slurred them all.
Fred charged up to The Void and straight up punched him in the throat.
'Shit!' Cried the Void. He expanded the black hole. To no avail.
Fred wretched his insides all over The Void, and proceeded to punch him again.
'Fuck!' The Void yelled. Pissed.
The diary here reads: 'I don't know why I've stopped punching The Void. I felt kind of mean. I probably shouldn't be writing in here, I am close to being killed by a maniac.'
From what I can gather from what the neighbours heard, and the corpse of Fred with a bullet wound in his face, The Void gave up trying to kill Intoxicated Fred with a black hole and instead just shot him in the face.

I don't know what's happened to The Void, if indeed he is still alive. We are all in trouble. The last pillar of hope is dead.

Good luck.