My Life and Crimes

My eyes opened to a glaring light. I felt something on my wrist. It was cuffs. Fuck. There were two men in front of me. I was stuck in a seat. A small uncomfortable seat. They were stood, menacingly.

'Hello gentlemen,' I said, hoping being polite would get me out this situation.
'SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.' One replied. He was black. He was clearly the bad cop in this situation. I turned to the other one. He was white.
'FUCK YOU.' That one cried. This was outrageous.
'Why am I here, nigga and wigga?' I asked, which I thought was a fair question.
They both stared me down like I was some kind of demon. I made a fist bump gesture.
'Don't talk.' The black one said. He appeared to have calmed down.
'You punched a woman in the gut, earlier today. Correct?' Asked the white one.
I remained silent.
'Correct?!' He repeated.
I stayed stoic in my silence. They would not get to me.
'You can answer our questions.' He made a fist bump symbol. I gave in.
'Yes wigga!' I cried, bumping it.

I woke up again. I appeared to have been given a savage beating. My body was bruised and I felt sore.
'Right, sorry about that.' Said the white one, 'I'll just do the talking. Just answer as shortly as you can to each question. Don't elaborate.'
'But I already admitted what I did. Is this all really necessary? It can't be legal. Why does my anus hurt?'
'Erm. You're in here for more things than a simple gut punch.'
'Shit.'
'Yes. We'll start from the beginning. Is it true you cried out 'whoops' at the point of ejaculation?'
'There is no fucking way that's a crime.'
He showed me a big book of law. It apparently is, though it was odd that that part was scrawled on and the rest was typed.
'Right. So you admit to it?' He asked.
'Yes. Fine. I did.'
'Interesting.' He made a note on a pad.
'Is it true you were drunk and disorderly around bromley?'
'Well yes. But no one arrested me for it. You can't just retroactively make it a crime.'
He showed me the lawbook. Apparently, they could.
The black man spoke now; 'You also once failed to ejaculate.'
'I do not see how that is a crime.'
He got out the law book. I cried. I didn't believe that one.
'These aren't crimes. These are just things I've done. Who even are you? How do you know all this?'
They pulled out a cabinet. Out of somewhere.
'This is you.'
Shit.

'The peoplepaedia,' the white man announced triumphantly, slamming it against my face.
'You should have bought a table.' I am good at observing things.
'Why did you write this?'
'I'm a dick.'
'I see. ICT coursework.' He punched me in the face.
'We weren't doing very well. I was making a statement.'
'I see. It says here,' he pointed to a page in a file, 'that you once shaved your legs.'
'I was bored. We had a powercut.' I shrugged.
The black man spoke up now. 'That's queer.'
'YOU'RE QUEER.' I was on fire.
He pinched his nose and shook his head.
The white man turned the page of his folder.
'You bought the video game 'Risen,' why?'
'I, erm, I don't know. That was a mistake. It was devestating. I'd rather not talk about it.'
'Fair enough. You have watched Alvin and the Chipmunks? And you enjoyed it?'
I buried my head in my hands and cried softly.
He patted me on the shoulder.
'Okay. Moving on. You burnt your kitchen down?'
'Bacon is complex.'
'Naked in the millenium dome?'
'I was like, what, five? Leave me alone.'
'Checking on your own poo?'
'What?! EVERYBODY DOES THAT. You finish your poo, so you turn around, and you check, to see what it looks like? No? Just me? It can't be just me.'
'I do it,' the black man raised his hand. I made the fist bump sign. He punched me in the knuckle. Too hard.
'Oh. Okay scrap that. You once drank your own urine?'
'You've never had that thought? I was just like, I wonder what it tastes like. It's not very nice. I'd advise against it. It's not nice. Nobody advised me against it. Well they did. But they just said it was unhealthy. But it cures jellyfish? So. You know.'
'Fuck.'
'Fuck indeed. Fuck indeed.'
The white guy shook his head and carried on.
'You um, you ate your own...sperm. You are your own cum.'
'THERE WAS A TISSUE EMERGENCY. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TIME. I CAN'T HELP IT. NO. LEAVE ME ALONE. GO AWAY. THAT IS UNFAIR. GET OUT MY LIFE.'
'Calm down. Calm down.'
'NO. I'M LEAVING.'
I got up and walked into the wall and fell over.
I lay on the floor and the black man appeared over me.
'Let him go, Charles. Let him go.'